You can take your Beatles 'n' your Eagles, your Kiss 'n' your
Pistols--even your sacred Velvet Underground fercrissakes--and flush
'em all down deep where the sun don't shine, 'cause any group
worth its weight in weasels these days can easily disband for the better part
of a decade and then suddenly reunite in an apparent show of magnanimous
solidarity.
Strip away the blatantly insincere smiles and platitudes, however, and you're
left with nothing but a brazenly greasy shill of a craven cash grab that's
greedily geared to soak as much money as possible out of as many people as
possible in as short a time as possible--a shameful, huckstering sham of a scam
that panders to an audience's misplaced sense of nostalgia over a band that
kicked it in the head a long time ago.
Which brings us to Kraftwerk: four well-heeled, cold-blooded automatons who
are so chillingly infused with the pure essence of maximum cool that
when the terminal throes of creative bankruptcy swept over them in 1986,
instead of taking the easy way out and just packing it in like mere mortals
would've done, Kraftwerk opted instead to simply kick back and take a little
time off.
Like 11 years.
11 years
. A very long time to be listed M.I.A. in any profession
these days--let alone rock 'n' roll--so one could easily be forgiven for
assuming that at least some, if not all, of Kraftwerk's formidable
influence would've withered 'n' waned away over the years in a slow-death,
nickel 'n' dime decline, right?
Guess again, because it was during this very same self-imposed exile that Ralf
and Florian's much-vaunted status as Der Founding Führers of the whole
Electronic Sonic Exotica/TechnoElectro Pop movement was reverentially upgraded
by the devout faithful.
No longer mere inspirational legends, their new deified incarnation now sees
them as being nothing less than veritable godheads responsible for a whole new
synthetory language of expression.
Meanwhile, back in da techno jungle, a whole new cadre of whiz kids,
hell-bent on reinventing the ambient, have sprung up in Kraftwerk's wake to
inundate the market and lay claim to the abandoned throne.
Except that after having had the unsupervised run of the playground for so long,
something now looms directly in the path of these young upstarts--and that
something is nothing less than the undead spectre of Kraftwerk themselves who,
having finally arisen after all these years from their extended stint in the
nether-freeze, are now ready to face all comers on their own ground and beat
them at their own game. A game they themselves invented a quarter of a century
ago. But does Kraftwerk still have what it takes to regain what is rightfully
theirs?
And there goes the bell to start Round One!
ROUND 1: AUTECHRE
Of all the would-be wannabes orbiting the technosphere, these guys've just
gotta be the Kraftwerk Clones Supreme. Apparently raised on a steady
diet of Radio-Aktivität and Computerwelt albums, they're
learned their lessons well. Sure, they're more emotional and less clinical than
Ralf and Florian but, then again, who wouldn't be? Best bet to get your
feet wet? Try their 1996 double, Tri Repetae++ (a.k.a. the Green
Monster).
Winner: Even
ROUND 2: ORBITAL
Do we really need a techno version of Sergio Leone?
Winner: Kraftwerk
ROUND 3: APHEX TWIN
Ain't no sin that he ain't no twin, but don't hold that against Richard
D. James, because he's got more than enough smarts to qualify him as a
real two-brainer nevertheless. Wants to be the new Eno. 20 years
ago, that would've been an unattainable goal. Today, he's seriously
overqualified for the job. A true sonic seducer, Dickie D'll record anything
once if it sounds good. Gets bonus points for not being afraid to stray alone
into dark territories (ref: his work with NIN).
Winner: Even
ROUND 4: AQUARHYTHMS
Yet another guy who likes to hide behind a professional alias, Jay Ahern
excels at perfectly meshing the unrelenting beat-for-beat hyperkineticism of
late-'70s Eurodisco with the kind of crisp pinpoint precision that's long been
a hallmark of legendary sequencer master, Giorgio Moroder.
Don't believe me? Then check out his latest dispatch, Greetings From
Deepest America, which contains stellar remixes by the likes of yet even
more guys who like to use fake names--guys like Deep Dish and
Rabbit In The Moon. And with Moroder himself doing KMFDM remixes these
days, who's to say that even he won't ever dip a toe into Ahern's sonic
Aquarium one day, just for a lark?
Winner: Aquarhythms
ROUND 5: FLUKE
If the name (yawn) fits, use it.
Winner: Kraftwerk
ROUND 6: FREAKY CHAKRA + SINGLE CELL ORCHESTRA
Stop me if you've heard this one before but, jeeze, what is it with these
guys who insist on using wacky dumb-de-plumbs? Then again, maybe it
makes perfect sense that on their Vs. album Daum Bentley and Miguel
Angelo Fierro portray themselves as Manga Monsters slugging it out like
something out of Urotsuki-Doji.
Most of the havoc in this Battle Of The Bots is dished out by Bentley, who hails
from the Altern 8/Farmers Manual school of repetitive drone bludgeoning.
Fierro, on the other hand, tends to lean towards a thinner, tinnier, more
melodic type of sound. All of which means that Freaky beats the crap out of
Single Cell and sends him home with a bloody nose, crying to Mama.
Winner: Freaky Chakra
ROUND 7: THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS
No doubt about it: Exit Planet Dust was a truly astonishing slice of
hypnotic miasmic metasonics that just didn't know when to quit. But so what?
When you run as hot 'n' cold as Tom Rowlands and Ed Simons tend to do, it's
kinda hard to work up a sweat about what they're going to do next. Dig Your Own Hole just reeked with the death-knell stink-stench of
terminal repetitive dullness--you know, just like all that hardcore techno
crapola that Earache insists on releasing. So while I'm not suggesting that
these guys should change their name to the Comatose Brothers just yet, it's
worth keeping in mind that their fame may be far more fleeting than anyone
realizes. And if you don't believe that's possible, just ask 808 State.
Winner: Kraftwerk
ROUND 8: PHOTEK
If you can imagine an inbred amalgamation of Einstürzende Neubauten and the
Kodo drummers of Japan, then you've got a pretty good idea of what Rupert
Parke's work sounds like these days. And if you can't, then pick up a copy of
Ni-Ten-Ichi-Ryu and hear the incestuous sounds for yourself.
Winner: Even
ROUND 9: THE FUTURE SOUND OF LONDON
If this is the future sound of London, then set the WayBack Machine to 1976,
Sherman.
Winner: Kraftwerk
ROUND 10: HUSIKESQUE
Nico notwithstanding, the roots of NarcoElectroTrance music that's front-end
fueled by a sensuous Femme Fatale can be traced back to the luxuriant
groundbreaking albums made by Barbara Gaskin and Dave Stewart a decade
ago. Like Beth Gibbons' Portishead, Lida Husik's Husikesque weaves a
lushly somniferous soundscape. Unlike Portishead's drowning gloom, however,
Huiskesque's Green Blue Fire gravitates towards an airy
Gaskin-cum-Lulu lightness of being. And what's wrong with that? (I'd like
to know.)
Winner: Kraftwerk
ROUND 11: UNDERWORLD
Do we really need a techno version of My Life With The Thrill Kill
Kult?
Winner: Kraftwerk
ROUND 12: PRODIGY
Puhleeze. Now don't get me wrong: I'm just as sick 'n' tired of hearing
about these guys as you are, alright? But keep in mind that the reason
why they're still the fave rave flav of the year has got less to do with
the overwhelming stench of hype that surrounds them than it does with the fact
that, quite simply, Prodigy are the best at what they do. Needless to say, the
fact that Liam Howlett has inherited Todd Rundgren's mantle as autarkic
autocratic auteur hasn't hurt them any, either.
What really matters, though, is that the opening syntheriff of
"Firestarter" resonates today in the same thrilling anticipatory way
that the opening chords of "Brown Sugar" did fifty, er, 25 years ago.
And tapping into that kind of world psychic wavelength is something that
hype simply can't buy, no matter how odious it may be. One listen to
"Break And Enter" from Jilted Generation will tell you all
you need to know about these guys. Love 'em or leave 'em, they're as smart 'n'
savvy as it comes.
Winner: Prodigy
THE DECISION
The Judges have scored the rounds as follows:
Even: 3
Autechre, Prodigy, and the Astralwerks gang: 3
Kraftwerk: 9
Da winnah and still undefeated World Heavyweight Champions of Electronic
Sonic Exotica and TechnoElectro Pop, Kerrrrrrrrrrraftwerk!
THE ANALYSIS
Now after this short break, we'll be right back with the Fight Doctor, Ferdie
Pacheco, who'll analyze this very unpopular decision and try to explain
why, despite an unprecedented 11 years' absence from the ring, Kraftwerk were
still the overwhelming sentimental favorites going into this fight.
But first this...
